In my work as a volunteer mediator I learned to listen to people and to refrain from making immediate judgments about them. This skill yielded insights into people I likely would not have developed otherwise. For me, this skill came later in my life – Phases 2 and 3 – but I wish I had developed it long before I did.
Here are some of the things that make up this skill in the hope you may apply them too, regardless of your phase of life. They have served me well.
If we wish to become more aware of others and their concerns, we need to develop our own self-awareness. There is no easy way to do this, and the answer cannot be found in the usual drivel in self-help books.
If we honor our own basic humanity, we need to do the same for others. That’s the starting basis for respect.
Never count on people being rational. Be grateful when they are.
Always count on the assumption that people want and need protection or safety, and connection.
Never forget that there really are two sides to every story.
People usually know their positions, but they can be woefully ignorant of their real interests and how they are influencing their positions.
Accept emotions and figure out ways to deal with them. They are a part of everyone; they do not depend on whether you think they are valid.
Trying to win an argument or forcing feedback on someone is assaulting a person’s autonomy. If you find yourself doing this, take a minute and think about what your real goal is.
Before you jump on the “blaming” bandwagon, take a moment and realize that by doing so, you are willingly embracing the role of victim.